Coming Out of the Basement

So, I’m attempting to make this more exciting as a blog.

To that end, I’m going to try to, you know, blog more. 

First up, I’m stealing an idea from Shamus Young (http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/) who is sort of a geeky superstarish.  And also from myself, about 3 years ago.  Technically, I did it before I saw Shamus do it, but he did it much better.  I’m doing a sort of in-characterish send up of an MMO, or another game, or what have you.  It’s not strictly in character – it’s more me editorializing about it, and imagining things about the character in game.

I’m being inspired by Shamus’ MO of “go for old games, not the newest and greatest.”  But I’m doing him one better – this is for a game that ISN’T EVEN IN EXISTENCE ANY MORE.  Matrix Online.  It’s unlikely anyone reading this has ever even played the game.  So bonus points there.  And even if someone wanted to compare it to the game itself, or got inspired to play, they’re screwed.  So, yeah.

I don’t know if I’ll continue these – I’m playing a few games, but none which really lend themselves to the silliness.  So to start, I’m just stealing what I wrote back when I was playing MxO, editing it a bit, and pasting here, then calling it a “new post.” 

Still better than most of the other slackers, eh?  Keep in mind this post was written long ago, so don’t snicker at things like “I don’t like to fly spaceships” when you realize I’m playing ST:O.  When I wrote this, I had played MxO in beta pretty heavily, but didn’t subscribe.  About 9 months later, I picked it up, and gave it a try again.  It’s theoretically targetted at people playing MxO, who would get the in game references.  But they won’t admit they played any more, so….

So, part I:

 Why play MxO?

Because WoW is fun, but I have a jones for something that’s not orcs n’ elves.  CoH lost its shine, and I don’t like to fly spaceships.  Oh, and I have an SWG account my family uses, but, you know, NGE, so $5 for MxO is a pretty dang compelling argument.
 
So, I buy it – $20, download, install in an hour or so.  Not bad.  I load it up, hear the familiar sounds of the launcher, and the keys, and actually get excited.  Interesting.  20 minutes of fighting with SOE later, I have a station pass, and I’m ready to go.
 
Same old character creation options.  I’m a sucker for the facial tats, so on they go.  I remember clothes being pretty quickly replaced, so that’s easy enough.  I know my stats, I’m going MA, so that’s easy enough to pick. 
 
Then we get to the crux of things.  Redpill/Bluepill name.
 
I’m sure to all the vets, it’s old hat, but coming off beta, where I only had to try 3-4 times to get one of my top listed names, I’m a bit shocked.  My old names are all gone (Wireline, Kinrowan, Murphy, Esper).  Some of the new ones I thought up, also taken.  I figured.  So I move on to more obscure.  Stuff I wouldn’t be horrifically offended to have.  No go.  My daughter is making a character too, so, off to the internets.  A listing of thousands of god names!  Excellent!  All the obvious ones are taken.  So we move to more obscure.  Here’s a list of east African tribal gods!  Excellent!  That one has 13 letters!  Taken.  Um, okay.  Cool sounding Latin phrases!  DENIED!  Random religious references?  NO!  I think back to my days of DnD, and lore.  My toon is Irish.  He’s big and hulking.  *sigh*  Firbolg.  And annoying enough, it’s open.  Orcs and elves, how close you are.
 
My poor daughter is having less luck, so we move more obscure.  Egyptians gods I’ve never heard of.  Denied.  Assyrians.  Nope.  Nordic folk heroes.  Nope.  At one point I actually banged on the keyboard, and hit accept.  Denied.  Desperation sets in.  KTHXBYE!  Nope.  OMGWTFBBQ!  Nope.  HerbalViagra.  Denied.  In retrospect, that one was probably for the best
 
I should note that the grammar prude in me refuses to allow me to hackerfy my names with leet.  My daughter has no such compunction, but it doesn’t matter.  Finally, she picks an Egyptian goddess name.  There are a total of 3 pages on the ‘net, and all say “A local goddess.”  Great.  It goes through!  Only an hour after starting, and we’re in!

But it makes me wonder about the poor people in the Matrix.
 
“Mr. McKennitt, we have been following you for months.  We think that you are finally ready to take the first steps to greater awareness and free your mind.  Do you accept our offer?”
 
“Wait, is that a dayquil and a nyquil?”
 
“Quiet.  Take the Dayqu…The red pill if you accept.”
 
“Weird. You sure about this?”
 
“Yes, I’m sure.  Look, Tyndall said that I have to give you one or the other.  If I don’t, I can’t do any more missions, and then I’ll just have to go grind thugs in the park for a month to level up, okay?”

“Uh, I’m getting a little nervous here.  I mean, you’re just some guy.  I mean, yeah, you have some really spiffy sunglasses, and that coat is like, pure leather goodness, but I mean come on.  I’m not sure a random stranger with a name like Hitmanny offering me drugs is really a good life choice….”

 “JUST TAKE THE GORRAM PILL!”
 
“Okay, okay, okay.”  *swallows*
 
“Well done, Mr. McKennitt.  You are now ready to begin your journey in to the Matrix.  By what name shall we call you?”

“Well, I kinda like Andrew.  I mean, it’s my real name, ya know?”

“No.  Sorry, not cool enough.  Besides, there is already an Andrew.”
 
“Wait, what, sorry?  There’s already an Andrew?  As in, someone else in the entire world has my name, and that’s it?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“How do you know?”

“I just know.”
 
“Drew?”
 
“No.”

“Andy?”
 
“No.”
 
“Ooooh, okay, I know – Sir Killer!”
 
“No, no spaces.”

“Uh, okay, SirKiller.”
 
“Taken.”
 
“Killerman.”
 
“Nope.”
 
“Hacker?”
 
“Uh-uh.”

“OOOOH!  This will blow your frikkin’ mind.  REALITY!”
 
“Are you kidding?  We’ve got reality, r3ality, r34lity, r34l1ty, re4lity, and about 14 others.  Some dude is even r341179x.”
 
“Really?”

“Yeah, we hate him.”

“Uh, okay, how about…”
 
That proceeds for about 2 hours.
 
“Okay, jeez, glorbyborbyfloopaloos!”
 
“Uh, no.  We do have glorbyborbyfloopalos available…No, wait, we don’t.”
 
“Can I have that other pill instead?”
 
“No.”
 
“Please?’
 

I guess you get past that eventually, but man, that’s gotta dampen the new guy’s fires, eh?
 
But I dive in, eventually.  Tutorial’s all the same, except now with less random lock-ups.  And there’s a tv I have to watch, where it loads up ads to get me interested in playing the game I’m currently playing.  Maybe it’s some dual level philosophical thing, but I doubt it.
 
Then I have to kill Bob again.  Poor frickin’ Bob.

But now I’m out, and in to the wide world of the Matrix!  I pop in, and shock of shocks, there’s a collector!  “Ah ha!” thinks I.  I know these guys.
 
I run up.  “Okay, Clio, what do you want?  Keys?  Rings?  Pins?  Rocks?  Rotten carrots?”
 
“No, I want your ID card.”
 
“Wait, no.  They told me never to give this away, because people could, like, steal my money.  Or something.”
 
“No, really, gimmie.  I’ll give you a letter, and a shotgun.”

“DUDE!  Sold!”
 
“Okay, here, take this letter.  You must now seek far and wide, ranging the Matrix, braving great danger, until you find the man this letter is for!”
 
“Wait, is that him right over there?”

“I don’t see anyone.”

“No, seriously, he’s like right behind you.  I could hit him with a rock from here.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You’ve been standing here for how long?”

“9 months.”

“9 months.  And the guy is right over there.  Like 30 seconds walking.”

“Look, take the **bleeping** letter.  Someone else is coming in who is more important than you.”

So I take the letter, and walk a bit.  Hand it over, get me some health pills.  Now I gotta start killin’.  Well alright.
 
Shotgun to the chest for you, Mr. Runner!  Blam!  Oh, I uh, I missed.  OW!  Again!  Blam!  Ha!  Got ya!  For, um, 1/8th your life?  You can take 8 shotgun blasts in the chest, and you’re just standing around, doing nothing?  You know, there’s a circus in town….  But now for the fun!  Charge in, Kung Fu Monkey style!
 
No, wait, no Kung Fu monkey.  Uh, Self Defense.  Isn’t that what they teach women at the Y?  “That’s my purse, I don’t know you!”  Foot stomp, run!
 
So he’s dead.  And he’s carrying….information?  Wait, what kind?  Like, I rummaged his pockets and found a shopping list, and 3 phone numbers, and this is valuable to someone?
 
Matrix is fulla freaks, I tell ya what….

Up next: Part 2! Didn’t see that comin’ did ya?